My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
After a valiant attempt at golf, I think it's time for Tiger to go back to doing what he does best- having sex w/ blond, white women.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
How does she have a hairless cat and a husband it's not fair. Both are hard to come by
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I know where his drugs are but not my pants
Plus you get to call him out on being a dick. It's more satisfying than ever sex I've ever had.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
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