The weather is perfect in Seattle right now. Warm enough for girls to not wear bras, but cold enough for me to see them nipping out in the shade.
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Randomize
