Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
I fell asleep on the air hockey table and someone turned it on, scariest shit ever when you're that fucked up
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
and it's like......my shirt is off and he's talking about quidditch. why.
But can mardi gras accurately capture the essence of my tiny rage?
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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