i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.
So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
My cell phone fell out of my shirt pocket while tying my shoe on an escalator....which was followed by me being accused of trying to sneak an upskirt photo and being violently shoved down the top of the escalator. How's YOUR day?
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
I accidently sent a dick pic to the group chat with her family. Right after they all said it was a pleasure having me for dinner. Wana drink with me?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
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