I can text with my tongue
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"
I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.
i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
I had a dream that I got you so wet that you flooded my apartment
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Is there a sexuality term for 'only wants hatefucks'?
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