he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
Being at this stripclub only reinforces how single I am. And I was *just* becoming okay with that.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Pretty sure I used toilet water to wash vomit off my face last night...
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
I banged a guy named Robbie last night and in the middle of sex he begged me to scream santos. I'm pretty sure I just screwed a dude with multiple personalities.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize