Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.
Just a heads up, i'm sleeping in te back seat of your car so don't be freaked out when you see me in the A.M.
I mean turning down birthday sex is never the answer
It's that "make a Pringle and Twinkie sandwich" kind of depression.
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Double vision is so hot when a big dick is in sight. Thank you Bud Light.
My doctor actually said I was suffering from an "acute hangover" in doctor's note I asked him for....what a douche
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
Randomize
