I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''
i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter
We thought we were getting kicked out but then he started tickling the bouncer. Next thing you know the bouncers giving him a piggy back ride to the bar.
more embarrassing than that time i showed up to class in my hoodie and leggings because i over slept, and then as i zipped my hoodie down i realized i didn't sleep with a bra on or a shirt
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
We're going to brunch on Super Bowl Sunday. I am not a smart man.
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Why do my weekends always degenerate into using my little brothers childrens board games for drinking games?
Holy. shit. Chris has no pants on. In public. Fuck. Need you.
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