I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob
He told me they were just razor bumps!
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
All i know if I'm throwing uo into a bag with a smiley facE on it right now and this is not a smileuy face time right nowe
Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Ask me if I'm sitting naked in a lawn chair eating a block of cheese waiting for a bacon grilled cheese sandwich
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Only you could get too drunk for taco bell. I don't know if I'm jealous or ashamed. Go to bed.
Randomize