My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
Yeah he doesn't get it. We had to change the subject to Keanu reeves before someone got hurt.
I found a fingernail in my vagina. A fingernail.
You can wear my underwear. It'll be like old times.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
He said you asked to eat pepperoni off his dick and he thought it was weird
I mean I thought it sounded fun
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
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