I actually just cleaned easy glide lube off my desk. My life has gone way down hill since I met you.
I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
They were arguing about who would hit the piñata first so naturally you tore it open with your hands. You broke the piñata and their hearts.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
I think he has some internal "man stuff" that keeps getting in the way.
Like alcoholism and general douchbagary.
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
