oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
Well I was kicked out of the bar and woke up on a picnic table. I'd say the night was awesome!
He tried to tell me that that stripper was his aunt..
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I mean, I bought pot and shampoo before I ran out. I think I can adult.
AND I NEED A VIKING FUNERAL OR MY GHOST ASS WILL SAUNTER ON OVER AND CASTRATE HIM FOR TECHNICALLY MURDERING ME
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
Randomize
