I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible
Dude, somewhere around here makes 4loko slushies. I just decided coming home isn't so bad.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
