1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Randomize
