Do you still have your period?
I hate u. Im listening to lady gaga and all i can hear is boca base om om om ommmm
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
You're dick is like the main character. It needs its own picture.
well that's what you get for sleeping with a guy called 'the defiler'
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
Okay first of all fuck you and everything you stand for because Taco Bell is amazing.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
