Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.
The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"
At least you got your shooes
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
Randomize
