if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together
The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
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