Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
He could be your dad!
We discussed that right before he asked for my number
would it be inappropriate to describe you with the phrase "bigass titties"?
Oh. Thats cool. Im not dating anyone right now. Sean gave me chlamydia from some GUY he fooled around with. Im being abstinent.
Is it weird that I found myself thinking of that blue chick from Avatar while she gave me head after the movie?
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
You -do- realize there are other things to talk about than just how different parts of you smell like pussy, right?
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