Thats not how I planned it, its just the way she passed out
just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.
before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
I took my pants off in the cab and tried to bite his ear. Not going oout for awhile
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'll ask around, all of my friends have girlfriends now for the most part though so they're all dead inside
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
So, got kind of drunk last night, made out with some guy, and somehow stole his credit card. Don't even know.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
Randomize
