Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
If you're that baked in a class full of people that know you're that baked you tend to offer up a peace offering. Its like the burrito of trust! If eaten you are now obligated to help maintain my grades and keep me from falling out of my chair. $3.75 a morning is worth it for that mafia type protection!
It has become abundantly clear why you give me pixie stix when you're drunk now...
Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I'm all set for mothers day, I let her beat me in beer pong.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
Wait, cocaine is okay but tanning isn't?
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
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