Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!
Also I'm 95 percent positive we ate food naked together
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
the liver wants what the liver wants
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
I have a boner in one of my pics with her which no one noticed.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
Randomize
