I almost took home a boy from the bar last night, till i realized he was not speaking drunk, he was from another country and didnt know english. that could have been an awkward morning.
dollar beers will do that to you.
is it sad that pink shorts and cowboy hats remind me of getting jizz in the hair?
You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
it was surprisingly calming to be rocked to sleep by his roommate humping on the bottom bunk
You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
The bald guy bought me a shot so I chugged it and then walked out to the middle of the dance floor and told an old woman that might be your moms twin to bend it over...We didn't end on a good note though. Dude she stepped on my vans.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Now that you have a boyfriend, can I have my vibrator back?
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