Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
theyre doing shots to celebrate her boob jobs anniversary.
I promise you 4 toothbrushes taped together and lube does not do the trick
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Technically he's married but he says it's "not like that" even tho his wife lives with him. Not sure if I believe him but I'm sleeping with him anyway.
It was total unicorn galloping on a fucking rainbow awesome.
I GOOGLED IT. BEES CAN MASTURBATE. WHAT.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
She acted like falling "up" the stairs was a fucking physics phenomenon. I call that Tuesday nights.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
