he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?
Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.
He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Randomize
