dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
cops tried arresting me on the way to class this morning.. this is my life.
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Randomize
