My room smells like vodka and shame
I can’t believe the potential orgy I left behind at Waffle House.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
She actually purred while I was balls deep in her! I have never been so proud to buy plan b at 6:30 in the morning.
You guys I wore sweatpants to work today because I simply forgot to put on real pants and I had a weed brownie and a juice box for breakfast. I am not ready for parenting.
I'm glad your nude photos turned out "classy" but you cannot hang them in the living room.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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