i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
I'm currently making some changes in my life. If you don't hear from me anymore, then you're probably one of them. Or I'm dead.
Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
And I really REALLY don't feel like cleaning cinnamon off my penis tonight.
Being with her was like shitty sexual fear factor big ass sausage nipples over sized outty belly button i was scared and drunk tell know one
Reading old FB posts. Why did I ever stop drinking?
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Randomize
