the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
My roommate is fucking his gf in the shower and i really have to pee do i just bust in or pee on his bed
They cut me off when I tried to pee in the corner of the bar.
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
