mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
my taxi driver is listening to 50 shades of grey audiobook. this is uncomfortable.
im watching blue is the warmest color at the music box and this dude is literally masturbating 3 feet in front of me
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
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