Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
When you wake up to a porn star on your couch telling you, you better tell your boyfriend about last night.
i just used a selfie stick to take an ass pic. i hate myself.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
You said the best orgasm you ever had, you gave to yourself. your boyfriend looked really disappointed. so did half the room.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
Randomize
