My liver just broke up with me...
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
How do I carry myself in a way that says "I swallow"?
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
My throw up tasted like pumpkin, fall is right around the corner.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
It's routine now. He comes home from work and i ride him like a cowgirl with only a few sips of wine. I love being his neighbor.
Randomize
