There comes a time in every man's life where he has to shit in a catbox to prove a point.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
This guy is selling weed on the train. Like... Straight up. No fucks given.
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I am actually offended he hasn't asked me to sleep with him yet to get better grades...I wanted the whole college experience.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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