If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
can't believe I ate straight coffee grounds to stay awake for that
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
I walked so much yesterday and I was like holy fuck I need to do some cardio apart from sex cause this is ridic
Is there evidence of another human being getting away with this/ not dying?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
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