I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
guess who just got paired up at the beer pong table with the fat girl who's nipples are hanging out...
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Not even drunk me wanted to have sex with him. I kept intentionally hitting my head on the table behind me during sex till he said i was too drunk for sex.
i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl
btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.
I asked for a steak knife but the waitress could see in my eyes it was a bad idea
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
I wish I could be at this cabin banging all these old dads
My flask has coffee in it for finals week.. So that's responsible right?
His acid is intense dude. I was just over at his place laughing about the hole in the wall I was convinced was a cat
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Randomize
