My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
So, I picked up my 7 ft tall lamp post and used it to close my door. I feel quite accomplished.
hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
You seriously knocked all the beer off the table, broke the beer pong table, broke the bar and kept yelling "you have to warn me first!" all because I wouldn't let you have another four loco
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
I don't remember that much at all. But I guess I met this guy from New Zealand and his dog, and then I punched someone in the face.
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
