My balls are so social today.
We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
We're gonna have horrible, horrible babies.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i woke up this morning with a fake eyeball in my pocket
Randomize
