Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
The best part about the NBA starting up is I get to see Charles Barkley make a fool out of himself for 8 months
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I'm at some strange place in what feels like Mexico, high and getting tacos.
Lmao I should put that ad on Craigslist "in need of muscular and determined team of men to carry drunken birthday whore safely home"
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I should be free tonight unless my 5 speed vibrator arrives in the mail today, than we might have scheduling conflicts.
I don't know how to reply to him. 'I'm glad the ecstasy my friend tricked you into taking wore off'...? It just doesn't seem sincere
My mom has a bong in her bathroom, but no air freshener.
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
He just kept repeating "It was like meep meep meep on my balls."
Randomize
