mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
i wore my purity necklace wen we fucked. but its ok cuz simplified was blasting in the background
hahahaha. im glad listening to simplified justifies breaking ur promise to god
Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
She texted her brother about how much she loved his hot tub. He responded three days later that he wasn't aware he owned a hot tub.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
I want you to get off the plane and get directly into my pants
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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