Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
she said her black crocs were her 'dress up crocs'
Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?
Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.
you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.
At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
That bottle of wine took a part of my soul with it.
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
Randomize
