literally had 100 drinks last night.
I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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