yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
He said he cried as he watched porn yesterday; I'd say he's taking the break-up pretty bad....
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
Randomize
