Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.
her vagine was all disorganized.
final count. 18 beers. 4 shots baileys. 2 shots vodka. 1 glass champagne. vomited in the yard after losing my phone in a field for 8 hours. Possibly played tag with myself
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
when you come home i just want to let you know we are cats now. and we are out of eggs.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Randomize
