He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
No more going to class sober.. Tried it for a day or two, its just not for me
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Goal: finish my bio assignment before the Xanax kicks in.
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
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