it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.
I just puked in my fish tank. Helloooooo summer.
Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
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