Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
eating raw peppers to burn the taste of semen out of my mouth
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
Remind them to make the "above the influence" commercial about us fallin off a ferris wheel
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
This reminds me of the time I was given a lap dance by a David Bowie drag king...
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
The comfort of this onesie is keeping me single
I could tell my life story through kermit memes
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize