Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
so she bought me lunch gave me a blowie then paid for the gas since I drove... I think there's a catch but I'm gonna run with it
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
You grabbed my shirt and said, "hope you're not attached" and ripped it off before I could answer you.
he asked if he should bring the trash can into the room.. apparently i shoved my finger all over his face and said.. shhhh dont talk... just take your pants off.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
Randomize
