We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
i upgraded from drunk texts to drunk e-mails...real world here i come
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
btw good call for not making out for a pitcher of vodka, this hangover is bad enough
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Drunk yoga at 11 am turned into me sitting on the couch making fun of the girl in the instructional video. By the way, what the fuck is a third eye?
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
Can I borrow your google glasses to make a sex tape?
I just got a robo call from the Addiction Help Line. Not sure how to take that.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
Randomize
