i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
i'm 99% sure they had an orgy while i was passed out
Mid-fucking he screams "YOU CAN'T VOTE FOR TRUMP"
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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