My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
have you facebook stalked him yet?
No, I don’t know his last name...
Just google his license plate numb
and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Power went out. She lit a candle and gave me head. Made some pretty impressive candlelight cocksucking shadowpuppets. Must be what porn was like in olden times.
I will accept it in the form of tooth necklace but if you have better ideas I am open to suggestions.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Hey, thanks for helping me this morning
Always a pleasure to feed you bread as your body lay crumpled on the floor.
I got there and she was on her balcony drinking out of a bottle of vodka and smoking a cigar.
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