My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
Is it weird that i want a guy to ask me to homecoming by spelling it out in meatballs?
THATS VERY WEIRD
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize
