I cant take that shot because i want my penis to stay hard.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I felt like I was in a real life creepy Myspace message. "girl u cute" ... "girl u got a really nice smile"
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?
My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.
In sex ed. they really need to include a lesson on saying tampon in foreign languages, just in case.... Trying to ask the woman at the reception desk, who barely speaks English, for one just turned into an awkward game of charades.
If you need anything just hit me up
Pancakes
Noted.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
Randomize
