What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
guys i just found a dildo in the laundry room and its purple
whats a dildo? isnt that like a fancy piece of bread?
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?
Stop leaving me alone with my ex boyfriends after keg challenges. Woke up in his bed covered in what you think would be cum. No...toothpaste. He left a note. "Be home at four. Don't be here when I get back."
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
Drunk me spoon fed everyone baby food last night.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
This couch is so comfortable I can tell if it's like a waterbed or I pissed myself
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I was about to break it off with him because I realised he only wanted me for sex, until I realised that I only wanted HIM for sex. Win/win
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