just survived the first fart of the relationship.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
So puking trix and chicken wings is horrible but atleast we got free drinks for taking the trash out at the bar we are really movin up in the world
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
This is the fourth day in a row I woke up with cheetos spread around me in a ritual pattern..this weed is unreal
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
Definitely ended up doing Coke with Chewbacca in the porta potty behind the haunted house.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
Randomize
