So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
University has ruined us all. I just had to clarify the last time I had sex as "No, not at the party we crawled home from in the snow. It was the one where you puked off the balcony and hit the barbecue."
So this is where people who peaked in high school come to drink?
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
He goes from zero to fucking up in 2.4 drinks. Like the sportscar of bad decision making.
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
