her vagine was all disorganized.
a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
WE WERE REALLY IN A PORNO LAST NIGHT
Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
I'll bring your "congrats on finally banging" cookies tomorrow, I'm exhausted.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
