Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
you turned on the Care Bears movie at 5am and kept screaming "I CARE"
What kind of flower means "I want to have unprotected sex with you, preferably from behind?" because thats the message I'd really like to send on Valentines Day
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
I never thought I would be having sex behind a shower curtain that wasn't in a bathroom.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
It's not even 8:30a, wine glass is broken, there's sugar everywhere, and your mom just asked me what MILF means.
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
Mike fell asleep with his hand down my pants. I'm clearly an enticing person.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
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