too bad you live with your parents still
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"
"bouncy castle"
Apparently I covered myself in sunscreen before I went to bed. Im just assuming that due to the fact I found an empty bottle of sunblock
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.
Between the uncertainly of my bowels today, and the distance the bar is to my house, remember I am doing this for you and our mutual appreciation of alcoholism.
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
Randomize
