I was on top riding him and his friend walks in and watched for a minute before he realized what was going on
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
I'm at about main and main street
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Did I really drink that whole bottle of Jack Daniels last night?
Heroically.
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
He yearns for your heart.
He needs to stop being a pussy about it.
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
Like, I want sex but I also would be okay with Netflix
It was like being run over by an orgasm freight train.
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
